Before we’re even born, our gender starts shaping the way that people treat us. Rooms are painted blue or pink. Boys are given clothing and toys with cars and trucks, monsters, or superheroes. Girls are given dolls, play kitchens, and dress-up clothes.
Growing up, boys are often told to “be tough” or to “rub some dirt on it” when they get hurt. Girls, on the other hand, are taught to “be a lady.” These are just a few of the many examples of how gender socialization can teach us what it means to be a boy or a man versus a girl or a woman.
But what are you supposed to do if these socialized genders don’t match up with who you truly are? Let’s find out what happens when gender socialization collides with gender identity.
What Is Gender Socialization?
Gender socialization is a process by which people learn and internalize social expectations, behaviors, and roles associated with their assigned gender. The process of gender socialization shapes people’s understanding of the roles they and others have as men or women in their culture. It influences their attitudes, behaviors, and identities.
What Gender Socialization Looks Like
Gender socialization occurs around us even more than you may think. It extends beyond the clothing and toys we received as children. It’s in the messages that we receive every day from our own families, the education system, the media, and even strangers on the sidewalk. Gender socialization includes expectations surrounding appropriate appearance, behavior, and emotional expression.
What Is Gender Identity?
Gender identity is a person’s internal sense of being a man, woman, or neither. It’s their feeling and understanding of themselves, even if it may not necessarily align with the sex they were assigned at birth.
For many, their gender identity aligns with the sex assigned at birth and what they were taught when growing up. But this isn’t the case for everyone, and it can lead to tension. A mismatch between one’s inner identity and what is perceived by others can be painful.
The Emotional Impact
The disconnect is frustrating, and it can also lead to psychological distress. A lot of people who experience this tension may also experience anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. They may experience guilt for not meeting the expectations set out for them or fear living as their true and authentic self due to the judgment and criticism they may receive.
This emotional impact is heavy and can weigh on a person. On top of it all, people whose identities challenge gender norms often experience discrimination or hostility from others.
How to Find Yourself
Figuring out who you are is difficult enough without throwing gender socialization into the mix. It only gets more complex with these added expectations. The good news is that you can work toward finding yourself, even in the face of all of the conditioning you’ve received. Here’s how you can get started.
Give Yourself Grace
First things first, it’s important to not be so hard on yourself during this time. Even if society is telling you one thing, you know yourself the best. If you’re happy, that’s all that matters. You have no one else to impress besides yourself.
Find Your Support System
Navigating this time can feel extremely isolating. That’s why it’s important to consider who you’re surrounding yourself with. Lean on your family, chosen family, friends, or a support group with people you can be your true self around.
Seek Additional Support
You don’t have to figure it all out right now. Gender identity can be fluid and can grow with you over time. Finding your true, authentic self can be emotional and messy, but it’s also extremely freeing and liberating. There’s no better time than the present to be you. Book an LGBTQ+ affirming therapy session if you’re looking for a little extra support getting there.
