When you think of perfectionism, do you consider it to be a positive or negative trait? Wanting to do your best, being ambitious, and having high standards and expectations for yourself can often be a positive quality. But perfectionism in relationships can actually do more harm than good.

When perfectionism occurs in relationships, it can become a barrier to the trust, emotional intimacy, and long-term happiness that is needed for healthy, long-lasting relationships. Specifically, perfectionism can lead to emotional distancing, dissatisfaction, and unrealistic expectations. Let’s learn more about perfectionism in relationships.

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by the desire to achieve flawlessness. Individuals who are perfectionists tend to have extremely high standards and expectations of themselves and their own performance. This can lead to harmful levels of self-criticism, even believing that they’re only worthy of love, attention, and affection if they’re “perfect.”

What Perfectionism Looks Like in Relationships

Every relationship is unique, and the ways perfectionism can show up in a relationship will vary from person to person. However, there are some common themes in relationships involving perfectionism, all of which can be addressed through relationship therapy.

Unrealistic Expectations

A common sign of perfectionism in relationships is unrealistic expectations directed at oneself or a partner. A perfectionist will believe that they and their partner are supposed to act, think, and behave in a certain manner. When this belief is rigid and unrealistic, it becomes perfectionism.

Perfectionist expectations in a relationship could include how the roles and responsibilities are divided between partners, the amount of affection that should be shown, and how conflict should be handled. Whenever this set of standards and expectations isn’t met, it can lead to disappointment and even resentment.

Fear of Vulnerability

Perfectionism can lead to other barriers as well, such as emotional distance. Since perfectionists have a fear of being flawed or not good enough, they will try to avoid being vulnerable. They may also avoid situations in which their fears could become a reality.

When a perfectionist doesn’t express their true thoughts and feelings, it can make their partner feel like they’re being shut out. In healthy relationship dynamics, vulnerable partners can build a greater sense of trust and intimacy with one another. To a perfectionist, vulnerability can be seen as a sign of weakness.

Avoiding Conflict

Conflict is bound to happen in relationships. It’s unavoidable. While it’s not enjoyable or easy, overcoming conflict can actually strengthen the bond between partners.

Perfectionists tend to avoid conflict because they view it as a failure. When they’re involved in conflict, they may become defensive or even experience emotional outbursts when things don’t go according to plan. If there are issues in the relationship, it can be hard for them to forgive themselves or let go of mistakes. Conflict avoidance can lead to unresolved issues, resentment, and tension.

Control Issues

Perfectionists tend to like having control over all aspects of their lives. This sense of control can seem like a need for dominance, but in reality, it’s more about a perfectionist’s own anxieties. This need for control can also be seen in their relationships. Someone who is a perfectionist may try to control or manage different areas of their relationship, such as their communication, schedules, plans, and how conflict is resolved. These control issues can cause added problems in their relationship.

How to Move Forward

Perfectionism can look different in different types of relationships. Emotional distancing, fear of conflict, control, and criticism are all common forms of perfectionism in a relationship. By acknowledging these different patterns, you and your partner can work together to create a more positive dynamic moving forward. Reach out today to see how couples therapy can help you, your partner, and your relationship.