Throughout years and years of research, John and Julie Gottman discovered something a bit disturbing: 69 percent of conflict among couples—as in the vast majority—is entirely un-solvable. [1] Not great odds, right? Our Nashville Preds have a better shot at the Stanley Cup than you and your partner have of getting on the same page in your relationship… Yikes! 

Yet, as abysmal as these statistics might appear at first glance, the Gottmans have figured out how to transform conflict even when it’s fundamentally unresolvable, understanding that perpetual issues are more often about personality differences than fundamental flaws in the relationship. And seeing that John and Julie have been together since the days of jazzercise and Ronald Reagan, we admit that they probably know a thing or two about how to make a relationship last. They realized that, at the end of the day, it’s not about reconciling all of the differences affecting couples but rather learning how to talk about differences in a way that strengthens the connection between partners. 

Using their research, the couple developed The Gottman Method throughout the 80s and 90s, which serves as a more evidence-based, actionable approach compared to the more abstract therapies that preceded it. Their insights led to the formation of seven standards that signal relationship health and longevity, better known as The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work:

• Building love maps – exploring each partner’s worlds fully, understanding each other’s hopes, dreams, desires, and dislikes
• Nurturing fondness and admiration – expressing mutual respect and appreciation 
• Turning towards instead of away – learning to react positively to each partner’s needs in the process of developing emotional support
• Letting your partner influence you – respecting one another’s opinions and allowing both sides inform shared decisions 
• Overcoming gridlock – understanding how to handle perpetual issues in a way that does not come at the cost of wounding each other
• Creating shared meaning – using the therapy process to create a shared vision of the future

Not unlike a multilingual guidebook for relationships, The Gottman Method helps couples learn how to speak the same language in therapy.